June 13th (Katie)

Yesterday, I heard the words I had been afraid of this entire tour, and they were uttered by Dusty Breeding himself: “Katie, we’re going to have a little meeting to discuss the internship thus far. We’ll start with Tom, and then we’ll call you in afterwards.” The word “meeting” was only made worse by the proceeding “little”, which, I know, was designed to make me feel better about the situation. Nothing bad can happen in a “little” meeting, right?

That sounded like the equivalent of “we need to talk”, which, in my 21 years of life experience, equals something very, very bad.

I sat outside by the pool and dipped my feet in, contemplating what this “meeting” could mean. I was quickly joined by the charming and wonderful Stephens family – Callee, Connor, Cooper, and their beautiful mother, Cassaundra. She is going to Africa with us and her husband, Chad, is on the Lifebread Board of Directors. I was so excited to meet her, and she was everything I expected and more. We talked whilst I awaited my fate.
“Cassaundra, is it silly that I am legitimately nervous about this meeting?”
She stopped cleaning the pool and looked at me.
“Sweetie, you really have nothing to worry about. If my husband is in there, you have no reason to be nervous. It is more than likely just one of those check-up kind of meetings.”
I tried to believe her, but there was still a knot in my stomach.
It is terrible, but I know why I felt that way. I have this constant feeling of inadequacy gnawing at my stomach, and I can’t help but feel like I am always a day late and a dollar short. I know these feelings are not of God, and I don’t want them to be a part of my inner dialogue anymore… but it’s been hard. So when I was sitting in on the meeting, and they asked me how I was feeling – I told them the truth.
“I am… not good at this,” I confessed.
Normally, when I start a project, a map appears in my head. I can see the way things should go, and I am able to get it done. With this internship, I’ve seen nothing of the sort. All I see is a destination and a sea of fog… with no way to get there.
But this internship has been nothing but good for me, because I have been learning to do things I am not comfortable with normally. I have never been good at taking constructive criticism. No matter how nice people have tried to phrase things, I only walk away with the part of the sentence that started with “But…” If I feel like I’ve failed or let someone down, I tend to shut down and shove out. The great thing about this internship is that I can’t. Quite literally… what am I going to do, call a cab from Houston?
However, when Dusty gave me constructive criticism, I listened and realized that everything he was saying was right. I knew that ignoring what he was saying or being offended by it would not help anyone – least of all me. I know that eventually, my destructive tendencies would manifest themselves into things that are impossible to walk away from.
Try as I might to resist, I know that I’m growing. Stretching uncomfortably and pulling back as much as I can…
But I’m growing.